I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
