I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
