peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
