I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
