I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
