We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
