I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
