He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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