Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
