best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
