I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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