ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
