He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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