And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Still dying that you shit outside
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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