dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
