The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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