My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
