I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
