Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
