she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize