I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
