You made me cry and you don't even care
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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