I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
