Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
