the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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