Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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