"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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