I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wish you could order shots online.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
