My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
