i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
