im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize