dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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