My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
