my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
