She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
