You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
