i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
