Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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