I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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