I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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