im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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