If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
