I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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