just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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