I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize