it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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