Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize