i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
