I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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