Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
