She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Randomize
