when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
