You really coming over, don't trick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
