I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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